I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
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When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
never forget
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
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