I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
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All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
The Sun
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.