Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
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[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.