I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
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I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Tastes like chicken.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.