The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
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This made me chuckle cuz mood
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
When he asks for feet pics