A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
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Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?