If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
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Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Nothing to do, you say?
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
it’s the silliest best thing
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Sharon, call the vet
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.