[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
You Might Also Like
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.