Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
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Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
San Francisco has too many rules
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no