What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
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The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night