You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
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DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
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*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*