Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
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Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
first you must answer his riddles
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on