Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
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If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
i think both sides are to blame here
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.