Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
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Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.