Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
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There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
WTF
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.