a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
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Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
The news
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject