I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
You Might Also Like
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”