When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
You Might Also Like
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
😜
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
he was correct
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!