Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
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I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.