I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
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Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.