Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
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What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.