You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
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When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard