I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
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Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
I want what they have
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets