BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
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what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Everything reminds me of my ex
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?