My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
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My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.