LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
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A roof is a house hat.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.