Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
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“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*