Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
You Might Also Like
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
We need more people like this.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.