Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
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[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.