I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
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Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
The Compass
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
im all 3
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.