Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
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I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
(True)
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never