The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
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Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Fight
☠️☠️☠️
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
why I oughta
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.