A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
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if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.