Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
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M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record