*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
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astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.