[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
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Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
This guy’s not having it 😆
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.