the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
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Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.