The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
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God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.