Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
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My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Me when someone tries to get to know me
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block