I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
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My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
BRAKING NEWS!!
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?