5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
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you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Who called it baking and not making love
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”