Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
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Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine