What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
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Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Going to church you guys need anything
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.