Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
You Might Also Like
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.