no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
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First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes