Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
You Might Also Like
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.