There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
You Might Also Like
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb