Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
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[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
This kid is going places
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.