when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
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A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*