Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
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My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.